Life is what we make it. You make your bed, you lie on it. Happiness is a matter of choice.
Barbeque plan pushed thru… Went out with the batch after the barbeque. Got drunk three nights in a row. First night, I didn’t go home… Second night, I did not go out but as soon as everyone’s asleep, I went down to the kitchen and drowned myself with some leftover GSM. That made me sleep. Third night, I didn’t go home. I was losing my way and I guess God saw that so He did not allow me another step forward to brainlessness. 3:30 AM, after drinking, some allergic reaction occurred. Rashes spread on my skin from head to legs. It was harder to breath by the second and in a span of minutes, I collapsed, face down. I heard someone calling my name, trying to wake me up. I was as sleepy as I never felt before and it was hard to react to the shouts. I lost awareness. The shouting was persistent. I was awakened and I felt like I was unexplainably fading so I thought I was going to die. But in my mind, I convinced myself that I’ll be fine and I’m not going to die because stars don’t die. That’s mind over matter. I survived.
So that was fainting. First-time. I woke up finally, after maybe a hundred Jenette-calling. I asked for 2 or maybe that was 3 glasses of water. I was very thirsty. I asked that the sofa bed be set as it is easier for me to climb it. I was so weak and really dizzy. I could not stand-up or sit-up. I crawled to the bed like a baby. I didn’t want to be carried. On the bed, I was chilling. I felt so cold. I was covered with tons of thick blankets but I still shivered. I was still shaking when I found myself explaining why I collapsed. The allergic reaction was not only on the skin but also inside. It’s like some inflammation also occurred somewhere in my respiratory system so that air was not able to pass-thru easily. I remember I was gasping. There was difficulty of breathing. With that, the oxygen in my system became insufficient and that was the cause of my loss of consciousness. I don’t know why at my most stupid status, I even thought of explaining what happened to my body.
I was worried that I caused some people to worry. I caused them headache, I caused them inconveniences. I cried about what was happening to me. I cried that I made a mess and aside from me, other people are affected. I was so ashamed but in my condition, I could not do anything but accept that I was a disaster.
I felt a bit better after maybe an hour. I could move already. As soon as some senses came back, I felt the pain in my lips. I could taste the blood that’s oozing from my mouth. I got a cut inside my lower lip. My lips are swelling, more of Pops Fernandez than Angelina Jolie. Rarrr! But it felt good to be comfortable with someone seeing me at my worst physical condition. I was ashamed but I felt that nobody cared how swollen ugly I looked that time. The major concern was to make me become ok. I was cared for and it felt good to be cared for. I admit I always liked being treated like a baby. But well, that was not the preferred situation. I slept. I couldn’t help it.
I got so confused with the life that I woke-up to, the noontime of that day. Really, it’s called confusion. I didn’t start the year right. I didn’t stop getting into the wrong path so I got right where I was that day. I was so stupid to try the world that was not me. My head was in a state of puzzlement that I couldn’t speak when asked to make a decision. I did not want to decide because I felt like I flushed my brain with my alcohol-filled urine in some toilet, somewhere. I just observed what was happening. I couldn’t decide, I couldn’t talk a lot, I couldn’t insist because honestly, I did not know if it was a yes or a no. I just looked at them and thought, “ Today, I rely on you, my life and my future. So, help us God.” I talked to God, silently. I told Him to allow only what is right. I said that I do not know what is right so I will just sit and wait for Him to make things happen. I am grateful of what God allowed. My mother and I, we never spoke about what happened. I am thankful to have been spared of her sermon. But I felt that I was given another chance, when I asked for it. She is kind and forgiving. I felt her support. I know I made a promise. I have to keep that promise even if it means that I will have to give-up what my heart so longs for. It is for my sake and I cannot hurt my loved-ones and my self any further.
Although there are things that I should no longer express, deep in my heart, the hope lives on. I know that only time can tell what’s meant. For now, I can only do nothing but heal myself and do what has always been right - focus on the important things that I have control of and win. A lot of times, I could not control what people and what the world can offer me. But I know that I can control how I will react to what I am given. I have to react properly. I have to maximize my power to make things better.
I am still in a state of daze today but a bit better. The doctor said that I have to identify what I am allergic to. The only cure to allergy is prevention. Well, maybe I’m allergic to the wrong way of curing a broken heart. Stupid me. But what? There’s a first time to everything. It is not wasted me, it is lesson learned. Today, at my traumatized condition, I insist myself to be alright and to stick to a good decision. I insist myself…
