Would it be of anyone’s pleasure to see me down admitting how much a failure I am? If it would, I want to make this confession: I am a failure. If it is for anybody’s happiness to see me quit, I tell this: I quit right in your face and at this very moment. If it is anybody’s pleasure to see me sad, I admit this: I feel so lonely.
I have tried to become a good person as much good as I can, trying to please God, trying to convince him that I am a deserving individual, of his blessings and of happiness. Perhaps, somehow, He is pleased but not pleased enough. I have tried to be a good daughter and a good sibling but what I can give is never enough. I have done nothing but accept but I am not able to give back anything enough in return. I am never good nor do I deserve to be loved and cared for. This is the fact but there is another fact: I’d rather be alone wandering this life than to be made feel this lonely and useless.
It is difficult when you try to be of help to people, try to be the best for others, but in the end, all your efforts are not appreciated. It is even more difficult to cope with the uncomfortable feelings generated by knowing that inspite of all your attempts to give it all your best in another’s welfare and considerations, all you can get are criticisms and insults. Noone can put a person so down than the ones whom she believed have put her up. Nothing tortures the soul than this kind of loneliness and insecurity that one feels when everybody looks at you with pricking eyes and leaves you with questions that you are never allowed to ask.
The evils will smell my wound and I expect them to jump in and rub salt on my pain। Come and I will drown myself into my bleeding. I offer this day to the ones who hurt me. I give to you the pleasure of counting your success by the number of times I stumble like this. To my so-called friends whose feelings of success come from my pathetic failures, I offer you this day. Dwell on it as this is your only day. I am tired of hurting; tired of uncontrollable sobs; I am tired of this pain that insensitive people cause me. I have never wanted anything else in life than to be happy. People can be so demanding, yet they do not care if they can meet your simple needs: respect, appreciation and understanding.
Aside from learning the ease of quitting and letting go, I realized that it is also important to learn how to turn my heart into a stone. If this is what brings happiness, I’d love others lesser. I quit, I don’t care; and my heart will be different from now on. I will practice and perfect turning it into a stone. I am looking forward to the liberation that it would bring me.
