The Fast and the Furious 5 Hangover

I was walking towards work with some friends; was talking with them about the movie. It's been overnight but I could not move on yet. My mind is still hooked with Fast 5.

Before I watched it, someone said that Vin Diesel died at the end of the movie. So during the movie, everytime that Dom (Vin Diesel) was on a fight, I was so tensed that he might die on that scene already! The movie ended with Dom alive and it seems that his ex-girlfriend, Letty, resurrected! There's definitely going to be Fast 6 and I'm so looking forward. Might take a year so for now, I'm on for Transformers this July.

I had a relaxing time after work yesterday. The plan was to watch Fast and Furious 5 at past 8PM when my friends are out from work. While waiting for them, I had dinner with a friend who is leaving the office soon. She's been a friend all through the years at Sykes. She was supposed to accompany me, after dinner, to find my US size for something that my Hon wants to give me. But, time flies when you get to have a chance to chat with a friend.

Came my other friends and we headed to the moviehouse. The middle part of the movie was a little bit slow-paced for me. Or maybe I was just too tensed about Dom dying in this episode! When the action was on, my eyes never blinked until the end of it! I enjoyed the movie! I more so enjoyed it because it's a time to be with some friends.

The movie ended at past 11PM. I slept at the apartment of my friends. I used to live in that apartment. It was nice to have a restful straight 6-hour sleep with all my extemities stretched everywhere. We had a ritual at that apartment. Before bedtime, everybody's asking everybody about each one's shift so we would know what time each of us would get up in the morning and take our turns in the bathroom. I said I'm on 8AM-5PM shift. My friend verified if it's not 7-4. No, it's not. It's 8-5 and it turned out that three of us in the apartment are on the same shift. Ok, we know our schedule. Time to sleep. The next day, we were all early for work. Too early that I decided to drop by 7-11 for a cup of coffee and a pandesal. Up 25th floor, I took my time to fix my things in my locker. I got this Fast 5 hangover and I just feel like going to work is just as relaxing as going to the moviehouse. I logged-in for work as I greeted my co-worker who dropped the bomb, "Jen, you're on a 7-4 shift, right?" I was like, what? Oh my God, did I enjoy too much that I got disoriented! Yes, I'm on 7-4 and I'm almost 1 hour late! Oh no!

You imagine the feeling? But as I believe, happiness is a choice. I decided to have a good morning despite the atypical greetings of the event, all the explanations that I will have to do and the subtractions that this incident will cause. Oh yeah I decided to be happy so I thought of the movie, the plan to watch Thor and the upcoming Transformers. I guess I'll also find a DVD with all the Fast and Furious movies in it and watch them all from 1 to 5!

Finding My Dreams is Finding Myself

Today is day one. I should have a plan. I'm still thinking what the plan is. Yesterday, I said that my goal is to find the best slice of cheesecake as a simple, probably attainable, personal goal. It serves as a dream that is, hopefully, reachable. I need to make this exercise in trying to put myself into being able to dream. A life without a dream seems to have no direction. It is a life without inspiration and motivation. So the goal for now is to learn how to dream again and reach-out for something. A dream is the start of an achievement. Any kind of achievement puts sense in one's life.

I lost my dreams along the way... I have to find them. There are two ways to find them. One, I would let myself drown into the ocean of lost dreams and let myself die in it if I should. In this manner, I have given my best and suffered to deserve finding what I am looking for and then be able to live again; raise myself again after a turmoil. The only way to go is up when there is no more way to go down. Two, I would put back, little by little, the positive attitude that seems to have vanished with my dreams. A little positivity each day would soothe my tired mind and soul. This can be the start of being able to set good things in mind, dream and be able to set something to reach out for, in each of the segments of a lifetime. I think there is a third way. It is working hard to find my dreams and setting myself on a positive note each day: a combination of one and two.

This is my start and everyday I will work on finding my dreams and putting my shattered self, back in one piece. One step at a time. Each time I step, I know that I will be able to get up from my downfall. If nobody believes in me, it's about time that I rely on my only self and my only God. Today, I see that these are the two most important universe in one's individuality: one's self and one's living God.

I Am A Failure

Would it be of anyone’s pleasure to see me down admitting how much a failure I am? If it would, I want to make this confession: I am a failure. If it is for anybody’s happiness to see me quit, I tell this: I quit right in your face and at this very moment. If it is anybody’s pleasure to see me sad, I admit this: I feel so lonely.

I have tried to become a good person as much good as I can, trying to please God, trying to convince him that I am a deserving individual, of his blessings and of happiness. Perhaps, somehow, He is pleased but not pleased enough. I have tried to be a good daughter and a good sibling but what I can give is never enough. I have done nothing but accept but I am not able to give back anything enough in return. I am never good nor do I deserve to be loved and cared for. This is the fact but there is another fact: I’d rather be alone wandering this life than to be made feel this lonely and useless.

It is difficult when you try to be of help to people, try to be the best for others, but in the end, all your efforts are not appreciated. It is even more difficult to cope with the uncomfortable feelings generated by knowing that inspite of all your attempts to give it all your best in another’s welfare and considerations, all you can get are criticisms and insults. Noone can put a person so down than the ones whom she believed have put her up. Nothing tortures the soul than this kind of loneliness and insecurity that one feels when everybody looks at you with pricking eyes and leaves you with questions that you are never allowed to ask.

The evils will smell my wound and I expect them to jump in and rub salt on my pain। Come and I will drown myself into my bleeding. I offer this day to the ones who hurt me. I give to you the pleasure of counting your success by the number of times I stumble like this. To my so-called friends whose feelings of success come from my pathetic failures, I offer you this day. Dwell on it as this is your only day. I am tired of hurting; tired of uncontrollable sobs; I am tired of this pain that insensitive people cause me. I have never wanted anything else in life than to be happy. People can be so demanding, yet they do not care if they can meet your simple needs: respect, appreciation and understanding.

Aside from learning the ease of quitting and letting go, I realized that it is also important to learn how to turn my heart into a stone. If this is what brings happiness, I’d love others lesser. I quit, I don’t care; and my heart will be different from now on. I will practice and perfect turning it into a stone. I am looking forward to the liberation that it would bring me.

Fiesta In The Past

Life is what we make it. You make your bed, you lie on it. Happiness is a matter of choice.

Barbeque plan pushed thru… Went out with the batch after the barbeque. Got drunk three nights in a row. First night, I didn’t go home… Second night, I did not go out but as soon as everyone’s asleep, I went down to the kitchen and drowned myself with some leftover GSM. That made me sleep. Third night, I didn’t go home. I was losing my way and I guess God saw that so He did not allow me another step forward to brainlessness. 3:30 AM, after drinking, some allergic reaction occurred. Rashes spread on my skin from head to legs. It was harder to breath by the second and in a span of minutes, I collapsed, face down. I heard someone calling my name, trying to wake me up. I was as sleepy as I never felt before and it was hard to react to the shouts. I lost awareness. The shouting was persistent. I was awakened and I felt like I was unexplainably fading so I thought I was going to die. But in my mind, I convinced myself that I’ll be fine and I’m not going to die because stars don’t die. That’s mind over matter. I survived.

So that was fainting. First-time. I woke up finally, after maybe a hundred Jenette-calling. I asked for 2 or maybe that was 3 glasses of water. I was very thirsty. I asked that the sofa bed be set as it is easier for me to climb it. I was so weak and really dizzy. I could not stand-up or sit-up. I crawled to the bed like a baby. I didn’t want to be carried. On the bed, I was chilling. I felt so cold. I was covered with tons of thick blankets but I still shivered. I was still shaking when I found myself explaining why I collapsed. The allergic reaction was not only on the skin but also inside. It’s like some inflammation also occurred somewhere in my respiratory system so that air was not able to pass-thru easily. I remember I was gasping. There was difficulty of breathing. With that, the oxygen in my system became insufficient and that was the cause of my loss of consciousness. I don’t know why at my most stupid status, I even thought of explaining what happened to my body.

I was worried that I caused some people to worry. I caused them headache, I caused them inconveniences. I cried about what was happening to me. I cried that I made a mess and aside from me, other people are affected. I was so ashamed but in my condition, I could not do anything but accept that I was a disaster.

I felt a bit better after maybe an hour. I could move already. As soon as some senses came back, I felt the pain in my lips. I could taste the blood that’s oozing from my mouth. I got a cut inside my lower lip. My lips are swelling, more of Pops Fernandez than Angelina Jolie. Rarrr! But it felt good to be comfortable with someone seeing me at my worst physical condition. I was ashamed but I felt that nobody cared how swollen ugly I looked that time. The major concern was to make me become ok. I was cared for and it felt good to be cared for. I admit I always liked being treated like a baby. But well, that was not the preferred situation. I slept. I couldn’t help it.

I got so confused with the life that I woke-up to, the noontime of that day. Really, it’s called confusion. I didn’t start the year right. I didn’t stop getting into the wrong path so I got right where I was that day. I was so stupid to try the world that was not me. My head was in a state of puzzlement that I couldn’t speak when asked to make a decision. I did not want to decide because I felt like I flushed my brain with my alcohol-filled urine in some toilet, somewhere. I just observed what was happening. I couldn’t decide, I couldn’t talk a lot, I couldn’t insist because honestly, I did not know if it was a yes or a no. I just looked at them and thought, “ Today, I rely on you, my life and my future. So, help us God.” I talked to God, silently. I told Him to allow only what is right. I said that I do not know what is right so I will just sit and wait for Him to make things happen. I am grateful of what God allowed. My mother and I, we never spoke about what happened. I am thankful to have been spared of her sermon. But I felt that I was given another chance, when I asked for it. She is kind and forgiving. I felt her support. I know I made a promise. I have to keep that promise even if it means that I will have to give-up what my heart so longs for. It is for my sake and I cannot hurt my loved-ones and my self any further.

Although there are things that I should no longer express, deep in my heart, the hope lives on. I know that only time can tell what’s meant. For now, I can only do nothing but heal myself and do what has always been right - focus on the important things that I have control of and win. A lot of times, I could not control what people and what the world can offer me. But I know that I can control how I will react to what I am given. I have to react properly. I have to maximize my power to make things better.

I am still in a state of daze today but a bit better. The doctor said that I have to identify what I am allergic to. The only cure to allergy is prevention. Well, maybe I’m allergic to the wrong way of curing a broken heart. Stupid me. But what? There’s a first time to everything. It is not wasted me, it is lesson learned. Today, at my traumatized condition, I insist myself to be alright and to stick to a good decision. I insist myself…

Pepeng

Peeped out the window and had a glance of Pepeng. They said that it is stonger than Ondoy.

God please help us. We have barely recovered.