The Fast and the Furious 5 Hangover

I was walking towards work with some friends; was talking with them about the movie. It's been overnight but I could not move on yet. My mind is still hooked with Fast 5.

Before I watched it, someone said that Vin Diesel died at the end of the movie. So during the movie, everytime that Dom (Vin Diesel) was on a fight, I was so tensed that he might die on that scene already! The movie ended with Dom alive and it seems that his ex-girlfriend, Letty, resurrected! There's definitely going to be Fast 6 and I'm so looking forward. Might take a year so for now, I'm on for Transformers this July.

I had a relaxing time after work yesterday. The plan was to watch Fast and Furious 5 at past 8PM when my friends are out from work. While waiting for them, I had dinner with a friend who is leaving the office soon. She's been a friend all through the years at Sykes. She was supposed to accompany me, after dinner, to find my US size for something that my Hon wants to give me. But, time flies when you get to have a chance to chat with a friend.

Came my other friends and we headed to the moviehouse. The middle part of the movie was a little bit slow-paced for me. Or maybe I was just too tensed about Dom dying in this episode! When the action was on, my eyes never blinked until the end of it! I enjoyed the movie! I more so enjoyed it because it's a time to be with some friends.

The movie ended at past 11PM. I slept at the apartment of my friends. I used to live in that apartment. It was nice to have a restful straight 6-hour sleep with all my extemities stretched everywhere. We had a ritual at that apartment. Before bedtime, everybody's asking everybody about each one's shift so we would know what time each of us would get up in the morning and take our turns in the bathroom. I said I'm on 8AM-5PM shift. My friend verified if it's not 7-4. No, it's not. It's 8-5 and it turned out that three of us in the apartment are on the same shift. Ok, we know our schedule. Time to sleep. The next day, we were all early for work. Too early that I decided to drop by 7-11 for a cup of coffee and a pandesal. Up 25th floor, I took my time to fix my things in my locker. I got this Fast 5 hangover and I just feel like going to work is just as relaxing as going to the moviehouse. I logged-in for work as I greeted my co-worker who dropped the bomb, "Jen, you're on a 7-4 shift, right?" I was like, what? Oh my God, did I enjoy too much that I got disoriented! Yes, I'm on 7-4 and I'm almost 1 hour late! Oh no!

You imagine the feeling? But as I believe, happiness is a choice. I decided to have a good morning despite the atypical greetings of the event, all the explanations that I will have to do and the subtractions that this incident will cause. Oh yeah I decided to be happy so I thought of the movie, the plan to watch Thor and the upcoming Transformers. I guess I'll also find a DVD with all the Fast and Furious movies in it and watch them all from 1 to 5!

Finding My Dreams is Finding Myself

Today is day one. I should have a plan. I'm still thinking what the plan is. Yesterday, I said that my goal is to find the best slice of cheesecake as a simple, probably attainable, personal goal. It serves as a dream that is, hopefully, reachable. I need to make this exercise in trying to put myself into being able to dream. A life without a dream seems to have no direction. It is a life without inspiration and motivation. So the goal for now is to learn how to dream again and reach-out for something. A dream is the start of an achievement. Any kind of achievement puts sense in one's life.

I lost my dreams along the way... I have to find them. There are two ways to find them. One, I would let myself drown into the ocean of lost dreams and let myself die in it if I should. In this manner, I have given my best and suffered to deserve finding what I am looking for and then be able to live again; raise myself again after a turmoil. The only way to go is up when there is no more way to go down. Two, I would put back, little by little, the positive attitude that seems to have vanished with my dreams. A little positivity each day would soothe my tired mind and soul. This can be the start of being able to set good things in mind, dream and be able to set something to reach out for, in each of the segments of a lifetime. I think there is a third way. It is working hard to find my dreams and setting myself on a positive note each day: a combination of one and two.

This is my start and everyday I will work on finding my dreams and putting my shattered self, back in one piece. One step at a time. Each time I step, I know that I will be able to get up from my downfall. If nobody believes in me, it's about time that I rely on my only self and my only God. Today, I see that these are the two most important universe in one's individuality: one's self and one's living God.

I Am A Failure

Would it be of anyone’s pleasure to see me down admitting how much a failure I am? If it would, I want to make this confession: I am a failure. If it is for anybody’s happiness to see me quit, I tell this: I quit right in your face and at this very moment. If it is anybody’s pleasure to see me sad, I admit this: I feel so lonely.

I have tried to become a good person as much good as I can, trying to please God, trying to convince him that I am a deserving individual, of his blessings and of happiness. Perhaps, somehow, He is pleased but not pleased enough. I have tried to be a good daughter and a good sibling but what I can give is never enough. I have done nothing but accept but I am not able to give back anything enough in return. I am never good nor do I deserve to be loved and cared for. This is the fact but there is another fact: I’d rather be alone wandering this life than to be made feel this lonely and useless.

It is difficult when you try to be of help to people, try to be the best for others, but in the end, all your efforts are not appreciated. It is even more difficult to cope with the uncomfortable feelings generated by knowing that inspite of all your attempts to give it all your best in another’s welfare and considerations, all you can get are criticisms and insults. Noone can put a person so down than the ones whom she believed have put her up. Nothing tortures the soul than this kind of loneliness and insecurity that one feels when everybody looks at you with pricking eyes and leaves you with questions that you are never allowed to ask.

The evils will smell my wound and I expect them to jump in and rub salt on my pain। Come and I will drown myself into my bleeding. I offer this day to the ones who hurt me. I give to you the pleasure of counting your success by the number of times I stumble like this. To my so-called friends whose feelings of success come from my pathetic failures, I offer you this day. Dwell on it as this is your only day. I am tired of hurting; tired of uncontrollable sobs; I am tired of this pain that insensitive people cause me. I have never wanted anything else in life than to be happy. People can be so demanding, yet they do not care if they can meet your simple needs: respect, appreciation and understanding.

Aside from learning the ease of quitting and letting go, I realized that it is also important to learn how to turn my heart into a stone. If this is what brings happiness, I’d love others lesser. I quit, I don’t care; and my heart will be different from now on. I will practice and perfect turning it into a stone. I am looking forward to the liberation that it would bring me.